


Save My Soul

by elenilote



Series: It's a kind of magic [10]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Angst, Endgame, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-12
Updated: 2011-11-12
Packaged: 2017-10-26 00:35:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/276609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elenilote/pseuds/elenilote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night before the Chantry Incident and the aftermath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Save My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> this song goes with this story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyZbuMw8fmw

_Hunger. Never-ending, restless, all-consuming hunger. It gnaws my bones and nothing sates it._

 _I walk along a deserted tunnel, further along there is a faint red light. I start towards the light, something crunching under my feet as I walk - as I approach the light I can see the floor of the cavern is littered with bones. Jagged, broken stalagmites covered in slime stretch as far as eye can see._

 _The light comes from a fire that burns in a pit in the ground, everything around it is tinged with a red hue - as if dripped in blood. But there is no one around. Only me._

 _A warm, inviting smell draws me closer to the pit on the ground, closer to the fire that burns so bright in the darkness it hurts my eyes._

 _Blood. Everywhere, the walls are splattered with it, there are pools along the floor - even the fire pit is smeared in it. The smell of it is overwhelming in its sweetness, I want to taste it, bathe in it, drown myself in it. I spy something glittering from the edge of my vision, the cavern borders an underground lake. The firelight glints off the smooth surface of the water, entrancing me._

 _I walk to the water’s edge, mesmerized by the play of light. I glance down and catch a glimpse of a reflection in the water. I frown at the grotesque face looking back at me, something about it seems...odd. A slow, creeping horror takes over me as fleeting memories of a different face, a different place fill my head. I was once human, a man, a mage... I was Anders. Now I am a shriek, a darkspawn, a monster. Panic overtakes me and I fall to my knees at the water’s edge and scream, scream so loud and so long I can no longer draw breath...._

I wake up with a start, gasping for air. _I cannot breathe - why can I not breathe?_! I scramble to a sitting position and double over in an attempt to draw air into my lungs. I cannot feel my heartbeat and for a moment I am certain I will die. After a few desperate breaths, my heart seems to start again, although with an erratic rhythm. All around me is nothing but darkness and I fear that I have lost my sight as well. I turn my head this way and that, trying to find something, _anything,_ to fix my eyes upon. I blink a few times just to reassure that my eyes are open but I see nothing save for an impenetrable darkness and my breath quickens. Shaken, the barely-suppressed panic threatens to rise again. Then, when I am ready to hurl myself off the bed and into the darkness and crawl my way into the corridor, a faint silver sheen, so slight I think first I am dreaming, catches my eye. But it’s something to fix my eyes upon and I feel sanity returning.

 _It’s his staff, thank the Maker he insisted on the silver decorations on the top!_

And then I chide myself. How can I call myself a mage, a Circle-trained one no less, when I do not think to use magic to light the room? The very first spell I learned on my first night in the Tower: how to make a magelight.

I sigh and lean back against the headboard. Another night, another nightmare. I think back on my dream, trying to recall what made this one different? I should be used to them by now. After all, I have been a Grey Warden for nearly a decade now. But this one...I have never felt such panic. I close my eyes and _remember._

 _I was a darkspawn; I had succumbed to the Taint and wandered the Deep Roads as a mindless beast._

The memory unsettles me to the point that my body trembles with fear as the full horror of the nightmare unfolds in my mind. My hands grip the sheets in an effort to ground myself but to no avail. I fear my heart will burst, so wild its beat and my breath comes in short gasps, as if there was not enough air around me. Then something brushes against my hand and I start. Then a breath, a soft murmur and I still, my body relaxing at last. I am not alone.

He is here.

He is my anchor, my saviour, my one true love.

I am settled enough to manage the magelight now and as it floats above the bed, it casts a silver sheen on everything in the room. I turn to look at the man lying next to me and trace a finger along his jaw. How peaceful he looks, so free from the burdens of being the Champion.

“You saved me, you know.”

My whisper is just a breath - we don’t speak of these things when awake.

“I am so sorry love, but I cannot tell you the truth - it would break you and I need you to be whole, to be the strong one. You are everything to me and I fear to think what I would have been without you. Just trust me this once more. I promise it’s almost over.”

He doesn’t stir and I smile - he would sleep through an earthquake. I let my hand fall away and just lie there, trying to memorize every detail about him until dawn comes and he wakes at last.

My heart breaks at his smile and the fear wants to creep in again. A part of me whispers that I will never see that smile again after today, but I push it back and kiss him instead.

“I love you. I never imagined that someone like me could be loved by someone like you. Thank you... for everything.”

I watch confusion and worry dance across his features and I kiss the frown on his forehead to calm him and it works. It always does.

“Is everything all right?” His voice is still tinged with uncertainty and I fight the tears that threaten to overwhelm me.

“Yes, love. Everything is just fine. I’m here with you and there’s nothing I could want more.

 

\-------

 

Behind me Kirkwall burns. I cannot look at him while I hear shouts, distant arguing, but I am beyond caring. I have betrayed his trust, betrayed _him_. I wait for the decision which I have expected, prepared for. I will pay the price, not willingly but with resolution. When I hear footsteps behind me, I know my time has come and I stand up to receive my fate. Will it be him? Or will I never even know? For a moment, I fear my resolve will break and I will fall to my knees and weep like a child. Yet I steel myself and stand up straighter.

“If you had told me, I would have understood. I might even have helped you. But this... how can I forgive you for _this_? For betraying everything... _everything_ we had?”

I am numb, but not so much that the pain in his voice doesn’t shoot straight to my heart and shatter it to a million tiny fragments.

 _I am sorry love, I am sorry. I am sorry I will never hear your laughter again or see the dawn reflected in your eyes. I am sorry I made you do this._ But the words get stuck in my throat, they do not want to come out.

I have screwed my eyes shut, waiting for his decision.

“I don’t want to do this. I _cannot_ do this and I WILL NOT!”

Something clatters to the flagstones and strong arms embrace me and there is no pain, no end. I open my eyes, unsure what I will find and I see his tear-stained face and I know that my punishment is to live. To live with what I have done.

“I don’t understand, I cannot even _begin_ to understand but I forgive you. I love you and I forgive you. Whatever your reasons for such a seemingly mindless act, I’m sure they are justified. I cannot judge you, I _love_ you. You, Anders - _only_ you and I cannot bear to live without you. Please say you’ll live?”

“Yes,” I manage to croak. _I will live for you. Only you._


End file.
